Sacred Union

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For the man,
who I probably,
will never see again.

The last four days in UK after my Tantric Journey practitioner’s week in London were free. My initial plan was to spend them in the city, until I saw author Rebecca Campbell on Youtube, announcing her summer retreat in the Chalice Well Gardens in Glastonbury. She usually talks about that place, how it is a retreat space for her to collect her thoughts and spend time in solitude. However the thing that made me so curious about it was that, it was listed as one of the places on earth that holds the energy of the Mother’s womb.

The Chalice Well also had this symbol I hold so dear in my heart since years, the vesica piscis. Vesica piscis is the symbol of the great union between male and female energies, forming a womblike almond shape in between. The symbol of two independent souls merging into one. The sacred union between a man and a woman. It is no wonder that Glastonbury is called the heart chakra of the world. After finding out that it’s only three hours away from London, I was sure that I wanted to spend my very precious integration days there.

Leaving London on a sunny day, I took a train to Bristol and a bus from there to Glastonbury. Once I was in the bus, I was already questioning my decision, as I was travelling with a few old ladies, a blind man and a dog. I really wasn’t sure where I was going and couldn’t help but wonder what my friends were doing on this nice sunny day in London. I’m used to second guessing myself at turning points like these, questioning my initial instincts on why I am doing things no one else is really doing.

I wasn’t sure where to get off from the bus but the bus driver helped me find my B&B. Later I was amazed by the smallness of the town, and found out that I could actually get off either at the start or at the end of the town, which were the only main bus stops.

The time I got there, the sun was about to set. I immediately went to my room, happy to have a space and a bathroom just for me after a week of sharing limited space with other people. I didn’t want to waste any precious time, so I rushed out to see the sunset at the Tor, which is one of the highlights of Glastonbury. I needed to be in nature after days of being indoors, and the sun was so beautiful and appealing.

Walking ten minutes from the hotel, I was completely in a new space, full of magic. Green as far as I could see. Trees as old as they can be. The rays of the sun, turning the sky into red. “Moon on the Water” on my headphones, occasionally chanting Om Shanti Om, I was there, in the middle of beauty and vastness.

Walking slowly my way up, I saw beautiful people walking down. Women, men, kids. So unique and happy to be themselves. Grounded and joyful. Halfway, saying goodbye to the sun on the horizon, I kept walking up, with no aim to reach somewhere. Just soaking up the fresh air. With absolute presence in peace.

Almost towards the top, I found a stool to sit on and looked at the town. The lights in the houses started to appear, as the day was going down. The amount of people got less and less, when the sky became darker. I had no intention of seeing the Tor itself, but something said I should go. And so I did.

Walking the last path towards the enchanting historical monument, I saw some people leaning on the wall of the Tor, just watching the day come to an end. Some others playing Aqua drum and dancing to the wobbly sound. At one point, my eyes caught the eyes of someone, and I didn’t look elsewhere. I could only smile.

Leaning on the wall next to him, I looked at the city. Our energy spaces were meeting and definitely greeting each other. A total stranger with a grand sphere of love vibration around. I went towards the back to take some photos, realising how I missed using my camera and not the iPhone. Coming back to the front, I leaned down and sat on a stone. He came nearby. “Cold” we said. It was cold. Outside.

With the thrill and excitement of meeting someone for the first time with words, after the energies agree to match, I realise we don’t need to use so many words. He tells me he never realised the two towns made the yin yang sign until then. I show him Venus, the star. He tells me he has been living there for twenty eight years. I tell him I came for the vesica piscis. He laughs, cause piscis is a word with dual meaning. I ask him if there is a yoga center here. He tells me he is actually doing karma yoga, a selfless service in a Bhakti ashram down the road.

The day gives way to the night. Although the sky is still bright, it is time to go down. He offers to walk me to the town from another way. I say ok and I follow him. A complete stranger who I trust to the depth of my heart.

We pass fields, full of trees and sheep. We pass doors. I can’t close my mouth, looking at the beauty I see around. More stars appear in the sky. After a while, we come to a wider road, where we can now walk side by side. He asks me to show him the type of yoga I teach. I show him camel pose. In the heart chakra of the world, he is now doing breath of fire in a heart opening pose. Inhale, hold, exhale. With the exhale, I tell him to bend down to balance the pose. And then put my hands on the back of this heart and his sacrum. First contact.

We laugh and giggle all the way down. I can’t help myself from saying “Wow” all the time. I do feel like I am in wonderland. A door just opened and we walked right through it. Two butterflies dancing in the night.

We listen to mantras from my phone. Talk about Istanbul and the devotion of people. Talk about Bhakti, attachment, relationships, yoga, my soon move into Chiang Mai. I realise, I don’t know his name. He tells me it is Sanatan, Eternal God.

Coming towards the end of the hill, we get to the walls where water is pouring from walls on each side of the road. We drink from the Feminine side, and I say “I have to be back to also drink from the Masculine.” I take some water with me, to do the initial cleaning of my yoni egg. He asks me what men get if women have yoni eggs. I tell him that men get women who use yoni eggs.

At the corner of my hotel’s street, I question what to do; eat first or shower first? We keep walking towards the town and he says “Vegetarian Indian?” He takes me through the main street where we look at shops’ windows. Really weird and quirky shops. A chocolate temple. Another place that only sells angel wings. I feel that all the things that make me quirky are normal here. I do feel at home.

We pass through a small entrance and come to a hallway, to finally enter Parvati’s. There are two couples sitting and eating and we are the third one now. We take off our coats and hats, and see each other for the first time. We order a mixed platter and two chai teas. After an hour and a half, we are the only one in there, talking about almost everything, while the lady owning the restaurant is doing her cleaning, occasionally joining the conversation. We talk about his new interest in vegan baking, I talk about my love for ovens. He tells me he has three, no no, four ovens. I tell him to use flaxseed instead of eggs. He tells me he loves trees so much that he never uses wood products or only uses recycled paper. I ask him what he does in the toilet. Walking on the street and seeing the spirituality of the town, I tell him how Chiang Mai and Glastonbury are actually very similar, and he can come to visit me if he wants. He tells me he was born on the year of the monkey and that he is an Aquarius. I tell him I am a rabbit, and a Virgo.

Turning at the last corner of my B&B’s street, he switches places with me on the sidewalk, saying women should walk from inside, and men from outside, in case he needs to protect me from any danger coming from the road. I ask him what if danger comes from the other side? Cherishing this playful and bubbly conversation, and the lovely surprise of meeting a fresh soul, we come to the entrance of my hotel. It is time to say goodbye.

He opens his arms and we hug. At first I am not really sure of the intensity of the hugging. Like, there are hugs you just give to say goodbye to someone, and there are hugs as if you haven’t seen that person you love in a million years. My hug with weak arms around his neck feels so shallow, compared to the hug he is giving me. I understand, it is one of those deep hugs. And I hug him back. Really close. He hugs me closer. My body starts trembling from inside. I’ve been to a tantra practice week and yes, my energy is free in the flow. His breath gets slower and slower. Minutes pass and there is just stillness, and depth. The muscles around my heart are melting. I have never experienced this before. Opening of my heart, just by hugging someone for a long time. Finally, I lead to detach (still regretting that moment.) We look at each other. He says “See you.” I say “How?” He says “Around”

The next day I am around. It is a small town anyway. I go to the Chalice Well Gardens and put my third eye on a tree. My heart begins to flow again. I am still drunk by the nectar initiated in me. This place is magical. I love discovering the town. The specialist treatments, Goddess temples, shops with buddhas, incense, tarot cards, and crystals. I make a flask of soy milk chai tea and take it with me to the Tor that afternoon. I drink it alone. I walk down the same path we did the day before. It looks so different. I wonder, what makes an experience so special?

The next morning at 10 am, there is a Kundalini Yoga class in the ashram he stays and I decide to go. It is my last full day in Glastonbury. As I enter the ashram, I see him, passing by, with handful of duties. We say hi. I go to the kitchen to wait for the class and soon the teacher arrives. Feels good to be in a Kundalini class again, especially after being a teacher years ago. A beautiful Sat Kriya class ends and I feel so strong, balanced in my truth (sat). Words give way to silence inside. On my way out, we meet at the door. He says “I’m busy” I say “Ok.” He says “What are you doing this afternoon?” I say “Why?” He says “I can come and see you at the B&B.” I smile.“At 6.30” I say “Ok”

What does this mean? Do we have a date? I feel light and happy. There is some stress but we will see what we will do. I go to the health food store and buy some cashews, dates and more soy milk to make chai. I have a nice lunch, and go to the goddess temple to meditate. In the afternoon, I take a shower, get ready and go down to make my chai tea. At 6.30 I am by the window to see him so I can open the main door. At 7 pm, I am wondering. At 7.30 I understand. At 8 pm, I give up. He is not coming.

I wonder; what is happening here? It was him offering to see me and he didn’t show up. In the last year, I had so many disappointments from men not showing up. Starting from my immediate family, I had to deal one by one with my abandonment issues with men, finally ending up with a divorce in my nine year marriage. I felt rejected over and over again. This time it was different though. I remember putting on my last bid of Karma perfume that day and thinking “I am done with this.” In the one and a half hours I spent looking at an empty sidewalk, waiting for a man who I knew wouldn’t show up, something began shifting in me. I wasn’t feeling sad or disappointed. I was just done waiting.

The next morning, I decided to see the only site I didn’t get to see, the Abbey where King Arthur’s tomb lies. On that rainy day, I was out in the fields walking around stones, remains of a church and the memory of the King. At the end of the tour I had a few more hours and immediately decided that I need some reflection on this issue. I went to the goddess shop to get a reading.

Entering my thirty minute session with a highly talented and capable reader, I was told to close my eyes and meditate on my inner male. To see him approaching me. How does he look like? I immediately saw a king with a sword in his hand. King Arthur. He was my inner male. It was so nice and surprising to see him. My issue was not about men abandoning me, it was about me abandoning my inner male. My inner sun, drive, presence, still point, stable center. With the guilt and shame of suffering caused by misused power of patriarchy, I stopped embodying him years ago. Now that I was freeing my Shakti, and feeling the love and admiration towards the masculine again, it was time for me to acknowledge him as well.

She asked me what my inner female is doing now? I told her she is so happy to see him after such a long time, that she is bowing in Namaste. She had been lost in her feelings. At last, now there will be SOME clarity. Tears of love rolled down from her eyes. I wiped away her tears with relief. I felt complete, again. Here, at the heart centre of the world, where the sacred feminine and masculine meets, my inner Shakti met my King. My heart fully opened. I felt strong yet soft, fearless yet gentle; a real, genuine opening. The heart triggering hug followed by a no show up, brought me to my totality. I felt grateful. I came here for this; To meet my inner male at the Tor, my King. 

On the last minutes before catching the bus, I went to drink the water from the Masculine side of the wall. I integrated him into my being right then and there. Even though I knew no one was coming, I still told the owner of the B&B to give away my email, in case someone comes to ask for me.

He said “What does he look like?” I said “British”

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Vesica Piscis

Pain of Separation

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Take your broken heart, make it into art.

Princess Leia

Is it the stellium in Pisces?
Mars and Venus,
the lovers floating in the waters,
that know no boundaries.
Or the fact that only two weeks ago,
I was touching and hugging Ones,
so close,
like never before.
The pain of separation,
now lurking behind the door.

I need flesh to touch,
eyes to gaze at,
unfamiliar scents mixed with sweat,
the breeze of someone’s breath.
I want to feel my heart,
feel your heart,
against mine.
The surprise,
the fear,
the yearning,
of my known,
in your unknown.
Looking,
longing,
searching,
for the Kingdom/Queendom,
I truly belong.

According to Alex Vartman I am in the hangover period of a peak orgasm, which lasts up to seventeen days, when the Oxytocin levels in the blood start to get to normal levels. I’m on day fourteen. A hormone also known as cuddle or love hormone, Oxytocin is released when people snuggle up or bond socially with each other. Not through the internet, but through touch. Why do we not touch anymore? When did it become unacceptable? A man touching a woman, a woman touching a woman, a woman touching a man, the silent dance of energy in between.

Just before each session of our training in Tantra and Tao bodywork, our teacher Mal made us connect through Tantric rituals as eye gazing, touch, smell. And when we did, and it was time, he asked us to step back, feel the pain of separation and bring it into our hearts.

That week I stepped in and out many times, into the scents, skins and magnetic fields of many souls. With each step back, I understood and accepted the pain of separation as my core pain.

The day life was created, we separated from the Source and this pain became something we have to learn to live with. No addiction, possession, or amount of self love could really cure that. As soon as we are at the peak of something, we can see its shadow only one step behind our back.

So better be humble, accept it as part of being human, and look for my people. Cause I need another’s warm skin, deep soul, sweet smile to produce oxytocin. I need friends, lovers, dance partners who are willing to touch, cuddle and keep me close. I need nomads, soul families, sisters, brothers, other people to whom I belong.

Healing Through Connections

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The first step in finding a basic sense of safety is to discover our connectedness with others. As we begin to trust the reality of belonging, the fear loosens its grip.” Tara Brach

I was surprised to learn that Tantra is not actually all about sexuality but also about communication. These are the two pillars of a fulfilling relationship. In our energy body, the first & second chakras (Sexual) are connected with the fifth chakra (throat/speaking/listening). As I started to work with the womb and feminine soul essence, my inner connection rooted in a deeper truth and I feel more freedom and authenticity in my expression.

Communication can be between people, between you and your soul, or you and a higher power. All these three are equally important in finding safety and peace in our lives.

In communication with people, once we reach out and seek help by expressing how we feel, we receive understanding, love, support, and wisdom. This sangat (community) feeling helps us go through loneliness and pain in our soul. It is possible to reach out and expand this community through personal interests, travelling, even social media. I realise that as the world gets polarised by war and destruction, it is now easier to spot and reach out to your kind of people. While travelling, choosing environment friendly destinations, hostels, boutique hotels, conscious restaurants, yoga schools, nature activities, or simply living life as a soulful and conscious human being brings you together with a lot of others like you. Once you open yourself to the possibility that you are not alone, you start to see the love and support surrounding you by fellow human beings. 

I am so grateful for being held by a great community here in Chiang Mai; people awakened and touched by love, awakening and touching others. I will forever keep these experiences deep in my heart and be grateful for receiving this much love from newly met souls. Rooted in the feeling of belonging, I can now further reach out and touch others.

So on this Christmas day, let us;

Seek refuge in others,
Rest our vulnerability in their presence;
Embrace with compassion, acceptance,
And vibrate love as our only essence.

Wired for Love

 

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A couple bubble is a cocoon, or womb that holds a couple together and protects each partner from outside elements. It’s an intimate environment that the partners create and sustain together, that guarantees such things as “I will never leave you, or frighten you purposely. Our relationship is more important than my need to be right. I will relieve you when you are in distress. You will be the first one to hear anything.Stan Tatkin

Just before embarking on my journey, I met a friend of mine for breakfast. She is a psychologist and an expert in attachment relationships. In our usual mind opening conversation, I told her that I was ready to love again, and this time, I was willing to give everything I learned to make it work. On top of it, I was going on a Tantra training to direct my professional life in a totally new direction, to heal and support people in intimate relationships. We exchanged book names, and things that work on us personally. I told her about my crush on David Deida, and she offered me to read Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin.

Right after posting the above quotation from the book on social media, another friend’s comment created the ground for this article. She said “I like the quotation, but couldn’t really understand the “I will never leave you” part”. She was right; it was difficult to grasp how anyone could tell another “I will never leave you”, especially in these uncertain times, and under the pressure of a faster than ever changing world. We never know, right?

This led me to thinking about the serious relationships I had in the last twenty years. In most of these relationships, I knew something was wrong by the first few months, and I had to leave the relationship but I didn’t. And I made a mistake by giving up the only relationship that was nourishing me and was worth holding on to.

Although I could see how this “I will never leave you” was causing a problem in my life, I still loved the idea of a couple bubble when I read about it. I would have given much more care for the one relationship I gave up, if I had this consciousness. I also needed this for my future well-being. It just resonated so right in me.

As I go deeper in my studies in intimate relationships, I see there are many paths that are looking for ways to make relationships work again. There are people who prefer open relationships, where couples are free to have sex with whoever they want and still are fine about it. They believe they grow spiritually out of these paths. But I am not one of them. I am a true believer in soul mates. My mom says that I was two years old when I asked her “Who is your love?” I’d love to be able to hold a couple bubble with the man I love, making him feel safe and secure by sharing my love and putting the relationship above all. It is also my wish to share this with others and help them create their own bubbles.

After reflecting on my friend’s question and looking at my past choices, I figured out that to succeed in creating a healthy couple bubble, one needed discernment, the ability to judge well and choose the right partner to create the bubble with in the first place. “A discerning individual is considered to possess wisdom and be of good judgement” Wiki says. What other area would we need discernment than relationships? We spend so much of our time in them, and relationships make or kill us. Do you want to live or do you want to die is the question.

However, until we develop this ability to discern, we tend to choose partners based on our childhood issues. As an empath, I can see how my “I will never leave you” became a killer for me in relationships to narcissistic men. In fact, it became a killer in narcissistic friendships too. And business partnerships. And teamworks where I ended up doing all the work and getting no credits.

In his article on unisoultheory.com, Raven Fon calls the relationship between an empath and a narcissist “A Toxic Union.” Empaths’ gifts of being highly sensitive to feelings and emotions of others becomes a curse until they learn how to set their boundaries. A narcissist does not like to respect boundaries, and empaths are naturally drawn to these people because they want to heal the world and can’t stand to see someone in pain. A narcissist on the other hand, just wants to keep being a narcissist. Empaths love to love and enjoy making the other person feel whole again. But what happens on the way? Narcissist’s manipulation on the relationship cause severe depression on empaths. They end up losing themselves. Instead of alienating their partner, they end up alienating themselves.

There’s nothing wrong with putting the relationship’s needs on top of your personal needs” says Stan Tatkin. “Some people value themselves more than the relationship, and some people value the relationship more than themselves.” He calls this autonomy vs mutuality. While autonomous people carry values like “You do your thing, and I’ll do my thing” or “You take care of yourself and I’ll take care of myself”, couples with mutuality as their model know what the other person feels and thinks, and cares about them. This model is based on sharing and mutual respect. “Neither expects the other to be different than who he/she is and they both use this shared knowledge as a way to protect one another in private as well as public settings.”

Years ago, I made a wish one afternoon in Phi Phi Island. I was totally alone on a secluded beach. The sun was setting right in front of me, and the full moon was rising above the palm trees on my back. It was so serene, so beautiful, that I started to cry. There was too much beauty for my heart to carry alone, so I made a wish, to have someone in my life, a partner, who’d have the soul eyes and the heart to see the same beauty, or even more, so that we could share the load.

Until learning that mutuality actually exists and is the natural ground of healthy relationships, I started to think that there was something wrong with this wish. In the relational world of autonomy, one had to love themselves first and foremost, to be able to love another. I had to be able to enjoy everything all by myself so I could move one step further to enjoy the same things with a man. “It’s impossible to love yourself first before someone loves you. We learn to love ourselves precisely because we have experienced being loved by someone.” says Stan Tatkin. What a relief!

It is one thing to be dependent on someone else to make you feel happy and totally another to share the self love generated from inside. On a paradise island, or in ordinary places on totally usual days, during a long walk by the sea, in the park, or after a nurturing and self loving yoga session, the love you generate is totally there to share and support your chosen partnership.

Now years later, what started as a plan to review and rewrite my heart’s main wish, ended up being renewed again. This time even with a stronger belief that love exists and is multiplied when shared with the right person.

Who Cracked You Open?

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This morning, as I was doing the womb heart circuit breathing, inhaling from the Mother’s womb to my womb, up into my heart, exhaling from my heart into my womb and into the womb of the Mother, I realised I was not feeling any energy coming to me from the Mother. Compared to yesterday where I felt I was really light sourcing from Her, today was more like a closed circuit with little energy that I have. I knew what was happening. I was not open to receiving. I woke up feeling heart broken and rejected today, and closed from love and life that is already around me. It was no surprise that I was feeling lonely. The cloudy weather and the secluded island I chose to be in, instead of other more lively places didn’t help much.

In Light is the New Black, one question Rebecca Campbell asks has been living in me for months; “Who cracked you open?” At first I thought this is someone who hurts you. Then I realised, the one who hurts actually closes you. It had to be someone or something that forces you to love more than you can; love everything and anything in the situation, even if it is painful.

Sometimes life does that to us. It cracks us open. It gives us something so nice, that we feel overwhelming joy and love, and then takes it away from us. Natural disasters happen, people are killed, lovers leave, babies die. We don’t get cracked open with this. Not yet. It’s when we are pulled to feel joy and love again, that we crack open. Previous experience of the pain builds an armour around our wounds and make us rigid, numb, shut down. The world is a lonely, sad and miserable place when we feel like this.

Leo King says, “You don’t know how you will feel until you get there.” How wise. Using our prior experience, we either create expectations or resistance towards getting “there” again. This is no use. But we still keep making assumptions and plans. Why? Cause we don’t want to feel pain again. Rather than being open to feel, we strategise. However, healing only happens when we can actually, %100 feel the emotions in our body. From all our experiences, we know the deep down truth, that thinking cannot heal the soul. Only feeling can. And it is painful to feel.

In my almost one year training with Womb Wisdom of Padma Aon, we pray to the Mother and Father, “To feel and release”. It is not possible to release without feeling. Today I woke up with physical pain in my ovaries, cause my feminine essence is hurt and shut down. This is what I prefer, or what my wounded ego prefers to feel like today, cause it knows if it opens and connects with the Mother, it will include “this too”, love it, and be joyful again. And sometimes, we are not ready to love our pain. That’s fine too. In times like this, I give myself some time, motivation, and a lot of compassion. Motivation for me is a trickster I use to get behind my ego by either creating a story, or making this whole experience more fun. This is of course a very fast and intuitive self healing process, and it also comes with a lot of realisations. One thing is sure that music always helps.

If I really slow it down, it goes like this;

First realising the problem, or the thing that is not working (not being able to feel that I receive in the meditation, or any physical pain in the body/soul). Then looking at the problem with wonder (What may be happening here? – I am closed cause I feel hurt, resistance, etc) What is the reason that I am like this? (Shit happened, he said this, she did that, not the story but the thing that initiates the problem) OK then how does this feel like? (At this point the feeling is out in the open and there is no other choice but to feel it, let go into it, cry or whatever) In which other areas am I carrying this closed, wounded way of being? How does this effect my choices now? (Big picture, power and realisation of my way out) And what do I know deep in my heart that I need to do to change this? (Resolution and next steps) After this I realise that the action comes so powerfully and quickly, backed by inner knowing and courage. Of course, the first thing is a willingness to heal yourself by creating time and space to be with yourself. This doesn’t have to be a meditation practice. It can also be a “me time” but I know, building a sacred practice everyday helps by creating a habit to look inside.

This morning, while going through this process organically, I realised that I needed to change the structure of my trip in Thailand. In 2004, while I was living almost a year in Koh Phi Phi island, the tsunami came. Luckily I wasn’t there exactly that date but I felt the pain and shock very deeply. That was my sanctuary, my healing place, home away from home. And it was taken from me. I was mad at God and full of anger that I found myself in a car accident right after. While I was healing, I swore I will never ever go there again.

This time of the year, the islands on the west of the mainland have much better diving and weather conditions than the islands on the east. In my current plan, I was going to travel the eastern islands until I get to Christmas where my Tantra and Tao training starts in Chiang Mai. So starting from Koh Chang, I came to Koh Mak, to a lovely resort called Little Moon Villa. But I feel so isolated and lonely here. The weather is not so good, the sea is just OK and there are not so many lively people around. Just a perfect place for couples, or someone who feels cut off from life.

 

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The whole thing occurred when I understood that I was just settling for the second best, touring around my wound, cause I didn’t want to feel the pain that I will feel when I get to my beloved island that I left 12 years ago. I don’t know if I’m more scared to hate it now, because it looks different, or to love it again and even more. But then, I really feel bored here and still spend time and money on a once in a decade trip to the land of freedom. I had to give %100 and aim for the best experience, even if that meant cracking my heart open so that I expand and receive more than I can currently handle.

It is raw, it is painful and it is real. It will heal me. It will heal my relationship with the Mother as I felt abandoned and betrayed by her for destroying so much beauty. It is already healing my relationship with myself, cause I feeI I deserve and am ready for more love and joy in my life. I will not settle for second best lives or relationships. As a new Tantrika, I will give %100 to live my life with full purpose and untamed love. And with all the tools I’ve developed over the years, I am ready to be back in the arms of Love, to totally feel and renew.