This morning, as I was doing the womb heart circuit breathing, inhaling from the Mother’s womb to my womb, up into my heart, exhaling from my heart into my womb and into the womb of the Mother, I realised I was not feeling any energy coming to me from the Mother. Compared to yesterday where I felt I was really light sourcing from Her, today was more like a closed circuit with little energy that I have. I knew what was happening. I was not open to receiving. I woke up feeling heart broken and rejected today, and closed from love and life that is already around me. It was no surprise that I was feeling lonely. The cloudy weather and the secluded island I chose to be in, instead of other more lively places didn’t help much.
In Light is the New Black, one question Rebecca Campbell asks has been living in me for months; “Who cracked you open?” At first I thought this is someone who hurts you. Then I realised, the one who hurts actually closes you. It had to be someone or something that forces you to love more than you can; love everything and anything in the situation, even if it is painful.
Sometimes life does that to us. It cracks us open. It gives us something so nice, that we feel overwhelming joy and love, and then takes it away from us. Natural disasters happen, people are killed, lovers leave, babies die. We don’t get cracked open with this. Not yet. It’s when we are pulled to feel joy and love again, that we crack open. Previous experience of the pain builds an armour around our wounds and make us rigid, numb, shut down. The world is a lonely, sad and miserable place when we feel like this.
Leo King says, “You don’t know how you will feel until you get there.” How wise. Using our prior experience, we either create expectations or resistance towards getting “there” again. This is no use. But we still keep making assumptions and plans. Why? Cause we don’t want to feel pain again. Rather than being open to feel, we strategise. However, healing only happens when we can actually, %100 feel the emotions in our body. From all our experiences, we know the deep down truth, that thinking cannot heal the soul. Only feeling can. And it is painful to feel.
In my almost one year training with Womb Wisdom of Padma Aon, we pray to the Mother and Father, “To feel and release”. It is not possible to release without feeling. Today I woke up with physical pain in my ovaries, cause my feminine essence is hurt and shut down. This is what I prefer, or what my wounded ego prefers to feel like today, cause it knows if it opens and connects with the Mother, it will include “this too”, love it, and be joyful again. And sometimes, we are not ready to love our pain. That’s fine too. In times like this, I give myself some time, motivation, and a lot of compassion. Motivation for me is a trickster I use to get behind my ego by either creating a story, or making this whole experience more fun. This is of course a very fast and intuitive self healing process, and it also comes with a lot of realisations. One thing is sure that music always helps.
If I really slow it down, it goes like this;
First realising the problem, or the thing that is not working (not being able to feel that I receive in the meditation, or any physical pain in the body/soul). Then looking at the problem with wonder (What may be happening here? – I am closed cause I feel hurt, resistance, etc) What is the reason that I am like this? (Shit happened, he said this, she did that, not the story but the thing that initiates the problem) OK then how does this feel like? (At this point the feeling is out in the open and there is no other choice but to feel it, let go into it, cry or whatever) In which other areas am I carrying this closed, wounded way of being? How does this effect my choices now? (Big picture, power and realisation of my way out) And what do I know deep in my heart that I need to do to change this? (Resolution and next steps) After this I realise that the action comes so powerfully and quickly, backed by inner knowing and courage. Of course, the first thing is a willingness to heal yourself by creating time and space to be with yourself. This doesn’t have to be a meditation practice. It can also be a “me time” but I know, building a sacred practice everyday helps by creating a habit to look inside.
This morning, while going through this process organically, I realised that I needed to change the structure of my trip in Thailand. In 2004, while I was living almost a year in Koh Phi Phi island, the tsunami came. Luckily I wasn’t there exactly that date but I felt the pain and shock very deeply. That was my sanctuary, my healing place, home away from home. And it was taken from me. I was mad at God and full of anger that I found myself in a car accident right after. While I was healing, I swore I will never ever go there again.
This time of the year, the islands on the west of the mainland have much better diving and weather conditions than the islands on the east. In my current plan, I was going to travel the eastern islands until I get to Christmas where my Tantra and Tao training starts in Chiang Mai. So starting from Koh Chang, I came to Koh Mak, to a lovely resort called Little Moon Villa. But I feel so isolated and lonely here. The weather is not so good, the sea is just OK and there are not so many lively people around. Just a perfect place for couples, or someone who feels cut off from life.
The whole thing occurred when I understood that I was just settling for the second best, touring around my wound, cause I didn’t want to feel the pain that I will feel when I get to my beloved island that I left 12 years ago. I don’t know if I’m more scared to hate it now, because it looks different, or to love it again and even more. But then, I really feel bored here and still spend time and money on a once in a decade trip to the land of freedom. I had to give %100 and aim for the best experience, even if that meant cracking my heart open so that I expand and receive more than I can currently handle.
It is raw, it is painful and it is real. It will heal me. It will heal my relationship with the Mother as I felt abandoned and betrayed by her for destroying so much beauty. It is already healing my relationship with myself, cause I feeI I deserve and am ready for more love and joy in my life. I will not settle for second best lives or relationships. As a new Tantrika, I will give %100 to live my life with full purpose and untamed love. And with all the tools I’ve developed over the years, I am ready to be back in the arms of Love, to totally feel and renew.