For the man,
who I probably,
will never see again.
The last four days in UK after my Tantric Journey practitioner’s week in London were free. My initial plan was to spend them in the city, until I saw author Rebecca Campbell on Youtube, announcing her summer retreat in the Chalice Well Gardens in Glastonbury. She usually talks about that place, how it is a retreat space for her to collect her thoughts and spend time in solitude. However the thing that made me so curious about it was that, it was listed as one of the places on earth that holds the energy of the Mother’s womb.
The Chalice Well also had this symbol I hold so dear in my heart since years, the vesica piscis. Vesica piscis is the symbol of the great union between male and female energies, forming a womblike almond shape in between. The symbol of two independent souls merging into one. The sacred union between a man and a woman. It is no wonder that Glastonbury is called the heart chakra of the world. After finding out that it’s only three hours away from London, I was sure that I wanted to spend my very precious integration days there.
Leaving London on a sunny day, I took a train to Bristol and a bus from there to Glastonbury. Once I was in the bus, I was already questioning my decision, as I was travelling with a few old ladies, a blind man and a dog. I really wasn’t sure where I was going and couldn’t help but wonder what my friends were doing on this nice sunny day in London. I’m used to second guessing myself at turning points like these, questioning my initial instincts on why I am doing things no one else is really doing.
I wasn’t sure where to get off from the bus but the bus driver helped me find my B&B. Later I was amazed by the smallness of the town, and found out that I could actually get off either at the start or at the end of the town, which were the only main bus stops.
The time I got there, the sun was about to set. I immediately went to my room, happy to have a space and a bathroom just for me after a week of sharing limited space with other people. I didn’t want to waste any precious time, so I rushed out to see the sunset at the Tor, which is one of the highlights of Glastonbury. I needed to be in nature after days of being indoors, and the sun was so beautiful and appealing.
Walking ten minutes from the hotel, I was completely in a new space, full of magic. Green as far as I could see. Trees as old as they can be. The rays of the sun, turning the sky into red. “Moon on the Water” on my headphones, occasionally chanting Om Shanti Om, I was there, in the middle of beauty and vastness.
Walking slowly my way up, I saw beautiful people walking down. Women, men, kids. So unique and happy to be themselves. Grounded and joyful. Halfway, saying goodbye to the sun on the horizon, I kept walking up, with no aim to reach somewhere. Just soaking up the fresh air. With absolute presence in peace.
Almost towards the top, I found a stool to sit on and looked at the town. The lights in the houses started to appear, as the day was going down. The amount of people got less and less, when the sky became darker. I had no intention of seeing the Tor itself, but something said I should go. And so I did.
Walking the last path towards the enchanting historical monument, I saw some people leaning on the wall of the Tor, just watching the day come to an end. Some others playing Aqua drum and dancing to the wobbly sound. At one point, my eyes caught the eyes of someone, and I didn’t look elsewhere. I could only smile.
Leaning on the wall next to him, I looked at the city. Our energy spaces were meeting and definitely greeting each other. A total stranger with a grand sphere of love vibration around. I went towards the back to take some photos, realising how I missed using my camera and not the iPhone. Coming back to the front, I leaned down and sat on a stone. He came nearby. “Cold” we said. It was cold. Outside.
With the thrill and excitement of meeting someone for the first time with words, after the energies agree to match, I realise we don’t need to use so many words. He tells me he never realised the two towns made the yin yang sign until then. I show him Venus, the star. He tells me he has been living there for twenty eight years. I tell him I came for the vesica piscis. He laughs, cause piscis is a word with dual meaning. I ask him if there is a yoga center here. He tells me he is actually doing karma yoga, a selfless service in a Bhakti ashram down the road.
The day gives way to the night. Although the sky is still bright, it is time to go down. He offers to walk me to the town from another way. I say ok and I follow him. A complete stranger who I trust to the depth of my heart.
We pass fields, full of trees and sheep. We pass doors. I can’t close my mouth, looking at the beauty I see around. More stars appear in the sky. After a while, we come to a wider road, where we can now walk side by side. He asks me to show him the type of yoga I teach. I show him camel pose. In the heart chakra of the world, he is now doing breath of fire in a heart opening pose. Inhale, hold, exhale. With the exhale, I tell him to bend down to balance the pose. And then put my hands on the back of this heart and his sacrum. First contact.
We laugh and giggle all the way down. I can’t help myself from saying “Wow” all the time. I do feel like I am in wonderland. A door just opened and we walked right through it. Two butterflies dancing in the night.
We listen to mantras from my phone. Talk about Istanbul and the devotion of people. Talk about Bhakti, attachment, relationships, yoga, my soon move into Chiang Mai. I realise, I don’t know his name. He tells me it is Sanatan, Eternal God.
Coming towards the end of the hill, we get to the walls where water is pouring from walls on each side of the road. We drink from the Feminine side, and I say “I have to be back to also drink from the Masculine.” I take some water with me, to do the initial cleaning of my yoni egg. He asks me what men get if women have yoni eggs. I tell him that men get women who use yoni eggs.
At the corner of my hotel’s street, I question what to do; eat first or shower first? We keep walking towards the town and he says “Vegetarian Indian?” He takes me through the main street where we look at shops’ windows. Really weird and quirky shops. A chocolate temple. Another place that only sells angel wings. I feel that all the things that make me quirky are normal here. I do feel at home.
We pass through a small entrance and come to a hallway, to finally enter Parvati’s. There are two couples sitting and eating and we are the third one now. We take off our coats and hats, and see each other for the first time. We order a mixed platter and two chai teas. After an hour and a half, we are the only one in there, talking about almost everything, while the lady owning the restaurant is doing her cleaning, occasionally joining the conversation. We talk about his new interest in vegan baking, I talk about my love for ovens. He tells me he has three, no no, four ovens. I tell him to use flaxseed instead of eggs. He tells me he loves trees so much that he never uses wood products or only uses recycled paper. I ask him what he does in the toilet. Walking on the street and seeing the spirituality of the town, I tell him how Chiang Mai and Glastonbury are actually very similar, and he can come to visit me if he wants. He tells me he was born on the year of the monkey and that he is an Aquarius. I tell him I am a rabbit, and a Virgo.
Turning at the last corner of my B&B’s street, he switches places with me on the sidewalk, saying women should walk from inside, and men from outside, in case he needs to protect me from any danger coming from the road. I ask him what if danger comes from the other side? Cherishing this playful and bubbly conversation, and the lovely surprise of meeting a fresh soul, we come to the entrance of my hotel. It is time to say goodbye.
He opens his arms and we hug. At first I am not really sure of the intensity of the hugging. Like, there are hugs you just give to say goodbye to someone, and there are hugs as if you haven’t seen that person you love in a million years. My hug with weak arms around his neck feels so shallow, compared to the hug he is giving me. I understand, it is one of those deep hugs. And I hug him back. Really close. He hugs me closer. My body starts trembling from inside. I’ve been to a tantra practice week and yes, my energy is free in the flow. His breath gets slower and slower. Minutes pass and there is just stillness, and depth. The muscles around my heart are melting. I have never experienced this before. Opening of my heart, just by hugging someone for a long time. Finally, I lead to detach (still regretting that moment.) We look at each other. He says “See you.” I say “How?” He says “Around”
The next day I am around. It is a small town anyway. I go to the Chalice Well Gardens and put my third eye on a tree. My heart begins to flow again. I am still drunk by the nectar initiated in me. This place is magical. I love discovering the town. The specialist treatments, Goddess temples, shops with buddhas, incense, tarot cards, and crystals. I make a flask of soy milk chai tea and take it with me to the Tor that afternoon. I drink it alone. I walk down the same path we did the day before. It looks so different. I wonder, what makes an experience so special?
The next morning at 10 am, there is a Kundalini Yoga class in the ashram he stays and I decide to go. It is my last full day in Glastonbury. As I enter the ashram, I see him, passing by, with handful of duties. We say hi. I go to the kitchen to wait for the class and soon the teacher arrives. Feels good to be in a Kundalini class again, especially after being a teacher years ago. A beautiful Sat Kriya class ends and I feel so strong, balanced in my truth (sat). Words give way to silence inside. On my way out, we meet at the door. He says “I’m busy” I say “Ok.” He says “What are you doing this afternoon?” I say “Why?” He says “I can come and see you at the B&B.” I smile.“At 6.30” I say “Ok”
What does this mean? Do we have a date? I feel light and happy. There is some stress but we will see what we will do. I go to the health food store and buy some cashews, dates and more soy milk to make chai. I have a nice lunch, and go to the goddess temple to meditate. In the afternoon, I take a shower, get ready and go down to make my chai tea. At 6.30 I am by the window to see him so I can open the main door. At 7 pm, I am wondering. At 7.30 I understand. At 8 pm, I give up. He is not coming.
I wonder; what is happening here? It was him offering to see me and he didn’t show up. In the last year, I had so many disappointments from men not showing up. Starting from my immediate family, I had to deal one by one with my abandonment issues with men, finally ending up with a divorce in my nine year marriage. I felt rejected over and over again. This time it was different though. I remember putting on my last bid of Karma perfume that day and thinking “I am done with this.” In the one and a half hours I spent looking at an empty sidewalk, waiting for a man who I knew wouldn’t show up, something began shifting in me. I wasn’t feeling sad or disappointed. I was just done waiting.
The next morning, I decided to see the only site I didn’t get to see, the Abbey where King Arthur’s tomb lies. On that rainy day, I was out in the fields walking around stones, remains of a church and the memory of the King. At the end of the tour I had a few more hours and immediately decided that I need some reflection on this issue. I went to the goddess shop to get a reading.
Entering my thirty minute session with a highly talented and capable reader, I was told to close my eyes and meditate on my inner male. To see him approaching me. How does he look like? I immediately saw a king with a sword in his hand. King Arthur. He was my inner male. It was so nice and surprising to see him. My issue was not about men abandoning me, it was about me abandoning my inner male. My inner sun, drive, presence, still point, stable center. With the guilt and shame of suffering caused by misused power of patriarchy, I stopped embodying him years ago. Now that I was freeing my Shakti, and feeling the love and admiration towards the masculine again, it was time for me to acknowledge him as well.
She asked me what my inner female is doing now? I told her she is so happy to see him after such a long time, that she is bowing in Namaste. She had been lost in her feelings. At last, now there will be SOME clarity. Tears of love rolled down from her eyes. I wiped away her tears with relief. I felt complete, again. Here, at the heart centre of the world, where the sacred feminine and masculine meets, my inner Shakti met my King. My heart fully opened. I felt strong yet soft, fearless yet gentle; a real, genuine opening. The heart triggering hug followed by a no show up, brought me to my totality. I felt grateful. I came here for this; To meet my inner male at the Tor, my King.
On the last minutes before catching the bus, I went to drink the water from the Masculine side of the wall. I integrated him into my being right then and there. Even though I knew no one was coming, I still told the owner of the B&B to give away my email, in case someone comes to ask for me.
He said “What does he look like?” I said “British”